Leaked document
Theresa May’s Government post-Brexit plan has been leaked as a result of a classified dossier being left on a train at Chipping Norton station.
Sources close to the Prime Minister have been forced to issue a statement.
“The weakening pound is no unplanned phenomenon“, one anonymous junior minister explained.
“We have predicted that global warming together with the attractive weakness of sterling will give a massive boost to the post-Brexit tourism economy“.
Global warming promotion
She went on to say that the Government were taking active steps to promote global warming because the inclement British climate was now the last major obstacle to tourism supremacy. When asked about the environmental impact to the rest of the world she hinted that in a post-Brexit world Britain had to forge its own path. “We will“, she maintained, “make Brexit a success regardless“.
Bye, bye, Fenland. Hello prosperity.
It has long been suggested by scientists that Peterborough might end up on the coastline within several hundred years in the event that the sea level rose in line with scientific expectations. A Peterborough set to be 10 degrees fahrenheit warmer than it is at present.
Another Government source hinted at the fact that the natural taking back by the sea of the Fens also meant that migrant workers would no longer be attracted to the area and as there would be no agriculture to service indigenous Brits would no longer be tarnished by being “work-shy”.
Experts
Another source rejected the opinion of climate-change “experts” saying that the Government denied the claim that it could take hundreds of years.
“Our research”, he asserted, “suggests that with a large increase in fossil fuel burning we could narrow this down to before the next election”.
He suggested that letters had been sent out cancelling wind farm and other sustainable energy contracts. The planned construction of new nuclear power stations would also be mothballed.
It is thought likely that the Government will enter into significant contracts with former colonial dependencies to provide the fossil fuels required to pep-up the British climate.
Nene Park
Beneficiaries of the Government’s plans could be sites like Ferry Meadows and Nene Park. Tenders for sun lounger contracts are likely to be invited from early 2019 onwards. It may be time to say “bonjour” to continental holidaymakers used to the Riviera.
(With conceptual contribution thanks to Jeremy Thompson).
Marc Folgate
